Aquarius: That Hall and Oates tribute band you are seeing might actually be Hall and Oates. If they can do it, you can too! Grow a mustache and form a band. Just don’t be a country act, the planets HATE country acts.
Pisces: Expect some unfortunate medical news with the only cure being an all candy corn diet meaning you will die shortly after Halloween when it leaves the stores. If death is not your thing, you could try and make your own candy corn. This could be the start of your new career as an artisanal candy corn maker.
Aries: Your past finally catches up with you and you will be extradited to The Hague for war crimes. “It was like that when I got here” is not a good defense in a war crimes trial. Mars being that god of war and all, defense is not something you are good at. Try offense. Kill all who question you.
Taurus: The stars hate you, but the planets vouch for you. Kind of a wash. Keep your head low and let’s see if things look up next month. Pluto is totally on your side, but since to eggheads demoted it from a planet, there is not much it can do. If I were you, I’d start writing letters on its behalf. It would for you.
Gemini: Chicago minus 3 points versus Detroit? Only if you have not been paying attention, which you haven’t. Bet the house. Your twin will cover any losses. Speaking of twins, it could be possible to have a different star sign than your twin. The stars make no exceptions. First is first.
Cancer: Bummer of a star sign dude. Oh, it’s a crab? Not too much better. What can I say? You are starting in a hole with that crappy sign. You will finish strong though and get a pony for Xmas. The pony will unfortunately drive a wedge between you and your partner. But you got a pony, so I hope your partner enjoys the couch.
Leo: Maybe you should consider a state school. I mean, we can’t all be the manager. Some folks gotta clean the mess up. There is dignity in all labor, except for Fox News host. Not enough money or benefits to make that dignified.
Virgo: The world is your oyster, but you are allergic to shellfish. Stay indoors. The sun is bad for you anyway. Almost everyone and everything can be delivered these days. You will still live a full life until the stars rearrange themselves in a manner that works better for you.
Libra: This month you will cease to exist digitally. While tech support is working on it, it’s great time to reinvent yourself as someone more interesting. But don’t try too hard, not only does that look desperate, it can all still be erased with the click of a button. Learn to do stonework. Not only does it last, several planets have stones on them and that will look good to them.
Scorpio: Now is the time make amends for future misdeeds. You are a complete bastard and the stars know it. What? You thought you could hide from the stars? Well, just because that’s how you are, doesn’t mean that’s how you will always be. It’s called change. Get on it.
Sagittarius: You’ve been thinking of switching religions, hold out for better ones that may pop up in the near future. Your new messiah may be where you least expect them. One of the advantages you have being alive now, versus back in the day, is you have religious options! Don’t just settle for one you were “born into”, Google them all. The stars are non-denominational.
Capricorn: The fish-goat. An odd combination. A sea-cow or merman or mermaid seem so much more plausible. Speaking of mermaids, they have breasts so they must give live birth, right? I mean, that makes them mammals. Live young and mammary glands…..it’s just science. But, I digress. The concept of a half fish – half goat star sign is confusing. This month you should focus on being more clear in all you do.
*Made possible by a generous donation by The Ron Foundation.