It’s a full moon, so you know what that means: you finally paid up your moon bill and they turned it back on! Also, horoscopes!
Aquarius: If you were born on St. Valentine’s Day (show some respect for the title) you are an Aquarius. That means you are a glacier of love! What is a “glacier of love”? You love is immense, slow, and can carve valleys. Be careful with your powerful, powerful love this month.
Pisces: Your crippling fear of the full moon has kept you safe from werewolves, but at what cost? You’ve never seen Teen Wolf or felt the romantic sway of the moon. This is the month that you stock up on silver bullets and develop a crush on a young Michael J. Fox. Hubba hubba!
Aries: This is the month you can get away with murder, well financial murder anyway. Cheat on your taxes, but only until the 29th. That’s when your immunity wears off. The planets will it, as long as you are not pushing essential oils.
Taurus: Can I interest you in some essential oils? No, it’s cool, I’m not an Aries. Can’t trust them this month! I should have known better wise Taurus, this month nobody can swindle you. Buy that time-share, get auto repairs done, and buy the extended warranty. In a world full of marks, that ain’t you this month!
Gemini: Do you remember when David Bowie kind of stopped being David Bowie and started Tin Machine? What about then Garth Brooks changed his name an did that pop album? No? Well, that’s you this month. You get to try being someone else, but nobody will remember it. Make it count.
Cancer: This is the month to try spelling your name differently. Add extra vowels. Maybe a silent Q. Confuse the “man” by saying you refuse to answer to the name your parental oppressors tagged you with at birth.
Leo: This month you will be able to control the weather. Climate change is real, but that’s nothing compared to the real powers you will have this month. The planets have in their wisdom decided to take a month off and outsource it all to you. No pressure, but remember the butterfly effect. Be nice to them, they also have this power.
Virgo: The stars can’t believe you have never heard of Bobby Womack. They would like to point out that he has a long, and varied discography. There is bound to be something you would like. “Woman’s Gotta Have It” is a classic. The stars are very disappointed in you.
Libra: Exoplanets are a thing. There used to be no planets outside our Solar System, now there are thousands of them. Libra, I’m telling you this because this month those planets are messing with you. How are you supposed to keep track of it all? What does it all mean? The only certain thing is they will find more of them and we do not know what they are doing to you. Take to the trees. Squirrels seem to be immune. You may learn their trick.
Scorpio: Do you cook Scorpio? Did your attempt to make Rice Crispy Horror Squares not turn out? (You probably needed more gravy, like a lot more). This is because the moon this month is giving you the big ole double bird. Why? What did you do deserve to this failure in the kitchen? It doesn’t really matter. You know how the moon is sometimes. All you can do is order pizza and wait until it sobers up a bit.
Sagittarius: This month you should unplug the jukebox and do us all a favor, that music’s lost its taste, so try another flavor……You should also do aerobics. Seven to eight times a day. Good for the blood and lungs. Not like haggis, which is bad for both.
Capricorn: Ah, Capricorn, sweet, smart, handsome, Capricorn. What can the planets do to you this month? Not much. Your life is so charmed that even if they were all against you, all it would do is knock you back down to the level of the zodiac’s other signs, all of whom are peons to your zodialogical nobility.
*Brought to you by a generous grant from the European Commission on Crackpot Theories.