It’s the full moon, so you know what that means: more moon for your buck! Also, horoscopes!*
Aquarius: Bibliophilia is the love of books, and that is you this month. Good thing since you can’t go anywhere. Hopefully you stocked up on books or one of those screen thingies. Also, a very good thing you learned how to read. If you didn’t, get whoever is reading this to you to teach you. You have time.
Pisces: This month the planets have plans for you and those plans are no real plans. You sign is a fish so this means you are stuck in your bowl. You will be fine with that this month, since it is quite nice in there with one of those scuba-diver decorations to keep you company. Just remember to change your gravel.
Aries: You are smack in the middle of your month Aries and as a ram that means you should butt things with your head! That is your key to success more than usual. When in doubt, use your ram horns and knock the crap out of it. This will be especially true if success is the destruction of the object via head-butts.
Taurus: You would think that we are close enough to your month we could advise you to gore your way to success via your mighty bull horns. Nope. Close does not work in astronomy…or astrology, I get mixed up. Maybe it does work in astronomy. This month the planets would like for you to limber up for next month when things will be jumping for you tauruses.
Gemini: This month you should start growing those dreadlocks you always wanted. No need to convert to Rastafarianism, just work on the dreads. Smoking “jazz cabbage”, or ganja as the Rastas call it, is optional. Unless you do convert, then it’s kind of mandatory. Why this month? The moon is at perigee (egghead talk for close) and the enhanced gravity will pull the hair towards it. If you are bald, you can’t grow dreads. Get a series of increasingly longer wigs.
Cancer: This month you will not be able to tolerate bad rock’n’roll. What is bad rock’n’roll? You will know it when you hear it. We will too because you will not be able to shut up about it. It will be super frustrating for everyone else. Just assure them that it will pass with the stars and you will be back to normal next month.
Leo: Tigers are having a moment Leo. What with them being able to get COVID-19 and having TV shows made about them being pets of meth-heads in Oklahoma. How does this concern you? Lions are the closest things to tigers on the zodiac. You are bound to get some of that action. You are not in any state to handle the extra attention you may get this month, so beware. Blame it on the moon and the mysterious Planet of The Apes which, as of yet, we are not sure of its role in the zodiac.
Virgo: You are primed for a new pet this month, but only a real pet. One you can pet. Lizards, and snakes and fish aren’t really pets. They are just curios you have to feed. You should never trust a person who could have a pet but does not. Virgo, you want to be trusted don’t you? Just choose wisely.
Libra: The planets have made you funky this month Libra. Ain’t a thing you can do about it. You just have to get in touch with the funk and let it flow through you to all of those around. You are like a funk antenna. You know we all need more funk in our lives. Be the funk that people need in their lives. The cosmos says that this is the month you will get down and give us the funk, and I mean ALL the funk, that we want.
Scorpio: This is not the month to do anything in fun-size chunks. You know those fun-size candies? Little, bitty, sad candies. Nobody wants those! You want a full….no a KING size candy! The planets want you all in this month. Up to 11. Anything less than too much is failure for you this month Scorpio!
Sagittarius: This month you might be tempted to ditch the whole astrology thing and turn to science. The stars will seem distant and cold to your needs. Woe unto you if you do. Just because you don’t believe in the stars does not mean they do not exist. Not believing in them makes them angry. You do not need such a powerful enemy.
Capricorn: Pizza! Is there anything it can’t do? Same with you this month. You will be almost as useful as a pizza. Perfect for all occasions and loved by all. Who doesn’t like pizza? Not a hand goes up. Who doesn’t like you this month Capricorns? Maybe your ex, but that’s about it. Run with it and save some of that goodwill for later use.
*Brought to you by a generous grant from the Joey Ramone Social Club.