It’s the full moon, so you know what that means: the moon isn’t sick (or at least is asymptomatic) and showed up to work. Also, horoscopes!*
Aquarius: Mercury is such a funny little planet. So hot on one side, yet so cold on the other. (Sort of like a McDLT). But this month it is giving you “the finger”, and that’s not so cute. So, what can you do about it? As with all things related to the stars: nothing. Just survive. That’ll show her. And yes, the planet Mercury is a female. Now you know.
Pisces: Ah… The Sign Is Pisces, Baby! Did you know Pisces rhymes with species? Well it does, but that has nothing to do with anything. Mercury is not giving you “the finger” this month, she is smiling upon you in all endeavors relating to finance. Buy, sell, trade, you can do them all this month and be sure you got the upper hand over those suckers….er…the other party.
Aries: Aries is the ram which it turns out is a male sheep. Not very important in the cosmos, but fun to know. Mars will hold sway over you this month, making you hoard things: toilet paper, unemployment checks, and animosity. Share them all once this month is over. You might even have extra, extra animosity. Good to have, but you can’t store it forever.
Taurus: This is your month Taurus. Smash about it with your bull powers, destroying china shops (if there are any open) and goring runners along the way to the bull ring in your village. At the last minute you should head for the hills. The china shop owners have friends in law enforcement, and while the runners don’t, things won’t end well for you if you make it to the bull ring.
Gemini: The sun will enter Gemini next month and that means you should get ready now. Prepare for guests. Probably not actual guests due to social distancing, unless you live in one of those states, or in Europe where they act like adults. Your guests may be of the virtual kind, mainly voices that come and go at odd times. Remember to take your medication. Don’t lose your corkscrew.
Cancer: Things have been pretty annoying lately, haven’t they Cancer? Your sign is not the kind to just sit there and take it. You need to pinch it with your crabby-claws. You may not draw blood, but if you get close enough to do damage, the thing that is annoying you will get the picture and move on. Beware the color purple this month.
Leo: “His name is Leo and he dances on the sand”. That’s what Duran Duran should have sung, but Simon LeBon is into chicks, so we are left with Rio which is a really stupid name for a woman. What does that mean? You lost your potential theme song Leos. You need to get busy and write one this month. Your creative juices will ferment nicely into something very boozy this month. If they don’t, call me I know a guy who can write a cracker of a theme song.
Virgo: I know money is tight this month, the planets tell me (they are gossipy). As tough as things might be, do not fire your butler. It is hard to find and train a good one. Remember Winslow? Hard times will pass, but skills will endure. This is also a good month to acquire new skills that may help you hold on to that extra money your butler will need.
Libra: Fairness Libra! It’s at your core and it’s not much to ask for. The planets this month think you look like a mark and that’s how you will look to the world’s con artists. Beware of this and be super suspicious of everything. Even your kids and pets. They are out to get you most of the time anyway. This month will just be much worse. “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”
Scorpio: Things that need attention this month for you will all be in the upper reaches. Time for a new roof on your house. Maybe a new haircut. Probably some light bulbs. Get a pet bird. Take up hang gliding. Replace those faulty satellites. You get the picture as long as you are looking up.
Sagittarius: This month they are finally going to drop the charges in that indictment that has been dogging you for so long. Its like the cosmos is Clarence Darrow or Johnnie Cochran or even Christine Sullivan. What do you do with your newfound freedom? Not much outside of your house I’m afraid, but it’s better than “the big house”. Cut back on the coffee, or at least switch to decaf.
Capricorn: Capricorn, you are peaceful as The Buddha this month. Why is that? The stars are involved, and it is going to give you a calm, inner peace that will make the world alright. Unless things heat up with your neighbor who knows what he did. Ingrate! Green will look good on you this month and try not to eat any drupes unless they are in season.
*Brought to you by a generous grant from the Communist Party of Beverly Hills