It’s the full moon, so you know what that means: the moon made bail and is out on the streets again. Also, horoscopes!*
Aquarius: Do you remember when you found out George Michael was gay? Of course, you don’t! It is besides the point. Wham! Is still Wham! Don’t get caught up in the unimportant details this month. You have bigger fish to fry. Don’t like fish? Well, fry them anyway. Unless you are against frying. In that case…why are you making this so difficult?
Pisces: Pisces, I’d watch out for Aquariuses (or is it Aquariai?) this month. They have a frying pan with your name on it. I don’t know why. They probably misread some study on the health benefits of fish. What I do know for sure I had nothing to do with it. Just keep a look out in general this month. Something ominous in the sky about Neptune.
Aries: Life is all about timing Aries. If you were born a month earlier, you’d be a Pisces. If your dad hadn’t started that disco only record label in 1980, you’d both be rich now if you were still on speaking terms. The stars say that for you this month there is no time like now! I know that seems kind of vague, you could always play it safe and spend the month watching Bruce Lee movies. That never goes wrong. It’s not like you have a job anyway.
Taurus: Christo is dead. Long live his replacements! That is you this month Aries. Don’t go wrapping giant objects, that’s been done. The stars and planets are in your favor for art this month. You are probably unemployed anyway; you might as well get arty while getting that government money. Who knows, maybe you will make a career out of it? The benefits are non-existent, and the pay is bad, but the hours are great.
Gemini: The stars want you to grow hair this month. The more the better. Do you already have long hair? They want you to grow facial hair. Already have long hair but don’t have the right kind of hormones for a long, lush mustache? Talk to your doctor, they have pills for that now. Normally I wouldn’t recommend unnecessary hormone treatments just for some hair growth, but the stars can be very unbending in their demands. You can always shave it off next month.
Cancer: You must avoid the color green this month. No salads, yard work, paying with cash, or St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. There are no known green planets or truly green stars. This is really bugging them this month and they are taking out on you. Green is the color of envy. Makes no sense to me either, just beware.
Leo: Did you see Dolemite Is My Name on Netflix but not see the actual film Dolemite? You are lazy and both the ghost of Rudy Ray Moore and the planets are very disappointed in you. This is not a month for slacking Leo. You should be working twice as hard at everything but leisure. You can take next month off but in the meantime you’d better get up on it.
Virgo: Virgo sure sounds Latin. Maybe it is, I wouldn’t know. I took French in school señors y señoras. Why bring it up? The Romans were just about everywhere. They had their classical fingers in a lot of pies and so should you this month Virgo. Specialization is for the weak. You need to branch out and be mediocre at many things instead of an expert at one.
Libra: Humans are pretty terrible and that’s good news for you this month Libra. The stars want you to commune with nature this month. Don’t sass me, I know humans are a part of nature, they want you to enjoy the non-jerk part of nature. So everything except humans and mosquitoes will be your buddies this month. Enjoy it while it lasts. Nature can turn on a dime and it is the start of hurricane season.
Scorpio: This is the month to share what you know Scorpio. The planets want you to flex that big ole brain muscle of yours like its Popeye’s biceps at a spinach festival. Teach someone something. Dominate at trivia. Finish writing your non-fiction books. Do the Sunday NYT crossword in tattoo ink on your stomach. Cure cancer. Train your cats to juggle.
Sagittarius: It’s about time you finished that Crocodile Dundee erotic fan fiction you have been working on. Your window to option it for film is closing.
Capricorn: Now is the time to stick it to “the man” like you always have. You have always been successful going against the grain Capricorn. Keep doing that this month. Everybody is stupid except you. Stay the course. Who are the insignificant stars to get in your way? You need not ask them for permission, they will just look at you with approval.
*Brought to you by a generous grant from your step-mom.