It’s the full moon, so you know what that means: the moon sees all! Also, horoscopes! *

Aquarius: I’m not going to say that all of this political strife is your fault Aquarius, but there are photos of someone who looks a lot like you standing on the grassy knoll. Maybe it was your doppelganger. The thing you need to keep in mind this month is you look suspicious. You may not have did it, but you look like you did it. Dig? So, try and blend in this month. It’ll be safer for you.

Pisces: The full moon this month is known as the Buck Moon, probably due to capitalism. You should be an unrepentant capitalist this month, if you have any money left. If you have no money left, make some more. Lots of it. You are smiled upon for these types of things this month. Enjoy it while the stars will it, for next month you will be slapped back down to the proletariat with the capitalist class firmly looking to get some payback. They always get their money back. Enjoy it while you have it.

Aries: The stars give you two choices this month Aries: get married or get a divorce. There is no third way for you. Single Aries, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to do something with all of the time? Married Aries, aren’t you tired of doing things with your spouse all of the time? Fix it. There is no law that says you can’t undo it next month. If there is in fact such a law, go to Canada. Anything goes up there.

Taurus: This month and this month only you will be allergic to squirrels. Avoid forests and parks. I’ll be you had no idea that the stars can affect your immune system. Don’t feel bad, neither did your doctor. The stars control everything: pets, lovers, NHL games. The good news is that you will be able to return to all-you-can-eat squirrel buffets next month once the stars and the earth move a bit to the left.

Gemini: This month there’s a new dance craze sweeping the nation! It’s the Gemini! All you have to do is grab your partner and invent it. It will not be a problem this month. You will have so much rhythm that the ghost of Don Cornelius would let you in the line on Soul Train. Don’t let on it’s due to the planets and try to keep that funkiness next month when the stars will be less auspicious. 

Cancer: Sorry Cancerians, you can’t win this month. I mean you really can’t win. You are the Washington Generals of the zodiac this month. Don’t try anything unless you are really into getting publicly embarrassed, which you will also be this month. This month has 31 days too. Sorry.

Leo: Leos this is not the month to do anything permanent. All is fleeting, but some things will outlast you. Don’t do or contribute to any projects that will make it past your lifespan. No tattoos, stonework, or giant tortoise training. If you have children, do not parent them this month. Anything you do will scar them and you for life. 

Virgo: The lockdown is going to be hard on you this month. You want to be a social butterfly, but the pandemic and its social distancing is a giant fog of DDT. The lockdown is not going away next month, but you will be less horny for society so you will get along much better in August. Remember the mantra: people are terrible all of the time and for the foreseeable future they are also deadly. That should make you feel a bit better staying home.

Libra: Libra, your symbol is the scales of justice and if you haven’t noticed there does not seem to be too much of that in the world. So, what are you going to do about it? It will fall on you to right all the wrongs this month. The stars will it. Write citizen’s parking tickets to those who park illegally in a handicap space, try a Canadian warlord in absentia, and headbutt guys who try to talk to you at the urinal. The universe wants you to avenge the wronged this month, so it doesn’t have to ask the Scorpios to.

Scorpio: Why do you Scorpios not get asked to help karmically align the universe this month? Because you will be as corrupt as west Texas sheriff this month. You will skim off the top and the bottom, cheat on your taxes, and con the Girl Scouts out of cookies. In fact, you will be so unethical this month Libras will be interviewing your exes and neighbors. I’d practice mt “perp-walk” if I were you. You should also buy a new hat.

Sagittarius: You are more paranoid than usual this month. It seems like those hobgoblins are hiding in every dark corner, waiting in the dark to wreck your life with woe as soon as you let your guard down. Don’t worry, it’s all in your mind. Hobgoblins are not real. It’s just your paranoia this month. The real danger is the brownies. Sleep well.

Capricorn: All your dreams will come true this month Capricorn. That is some bad news since your dreams are very weird. I’m not quite sure what you can do about that. Dreams are the subconscious just randomly mixing things up in the ol’ noggin and normally that would not be an issue, but the last thing you need is your freaky subconscious coming true and getting aired out for the world to see. Try not to sleep this month. If you survive, things look better in the future.

*Brought to you by a generous grant from the International Aglet Museum and Hall of Fame.