It’s the full moon, so you know what that means: Nothing, the moon is a hoax. Merely weather balloons. Also, horoscopes! *
Aquarius: It’s the season of the Pumpkin Spice Aquarios and while that may sound like a long, lost Donovan tune, it is a real thing…unlike that big ole phony moon. I hope you like pumpkins and spices because they are the source of your powers until some other over-hyped seasonal products come along. Lucky for you that will be pretty soon seeing as how Xmas has leaped over Thanksgiving and is now breathing down Halloween’s neck. Why would the planets make Pumpkin Spice, a very modern invention of capitalism, your go-to “power-up”? Let’s just say Saturn is a fan.
Pisces: Pisces this month you will be way behind on your taxes. I know you think you have it under control and that it can’t be too bad, but the planets would like to remind you that you are not rich and that rich people things do not apply to you. It sure doesn’t seem fair but it pales in comparison to the moon hoax. You have two choices: get rich or get to paying those taxes! Well, four choices if you count destroying Mars (the main tax planet) or overhauling the tax code via grass-roots non-violent legal reforms. Looks like you will have to pay. They will take it out of your salary.
Aries: Aries, do you remember the cartoons you watched as a kid? No, not the racist ones or the World War II propaganda ones, but the ones where Bugs Bunny would pull one over on Elmer Fudd and he would turn into a giant lollypop with the word “sucker” on it in case you were too slow to get the joke? Sorry to inform you, but that is you this month. For starters the National Weather Service and their balloons have had you swooning over a fake moon. Apollo program my butt! You think if the moon existed it would let bunch of dudes come hang out? If you were any other sign this month you wouldn’t fall for such a fake out. Better lay off the lottery just to be safe.
Taurus: Things are looking good for you this month Quentin Tarustino! This full “moon” was called by the Native Americans the “harvest” moon. Yeah. The native Americans used an English word like harvest. Hoax. (Also, an English word, hoax moon makes more sense). But despite the dubious status of the Earth’s natural satellite and its name, you will be able to harvest all that you have sown this month along with an extra 10% due to the largesse of the very real planet Mercury.
Gemini: Geminids, the name October is rooted in the Latin word for eight. It is the tenth month. Now, I’m not one for conspiracies, but I know you are. The planets do too. (The moon believes that you have a firm grasp on that which is real, but since it is a hoax, its opinion is dismissed like a Presidential Daily Briefing.) What do you need to do this month to keep from going down those conspiracy rabbit holes until things look better next month? Delete your current life and head to the hills, we will send for you when it is safe, normally Nov. 1st, but in these times, you’d better give us a few more weeks.
Cancer: Do you ever feel like you have not achieved the status in life you should have by now? Sort of like the moon, if it were real and we had been there, wouldn’t it have been a state by now? (Or at least a quasi-colony like Puerto Rico?) Ever feel like you have gotten this far but should have gotten a lot farther? At least you exist and as long as you currently exist the future is unwritten. This month is the month to write the next chapter of that future as the planets are auspicious for you crab-person. Write well, proofread, and save often as this will help it stick.
Leo: The Soviet Union’s Luna program was set up to explore the “moon”. The Soviet Union no longer exists, if they wanted to still exist, they should have spent more time exploring things that are real. What can you learn from this Leo? This month the planets want you to focus on that which is tangible and provable. Focus on your job if you still have one, not a potential acting career. Your job is real as long as they keep paying you. Never mind that money, which I guess is what you get paid in, is not real. It all gets confusing I know, but just keep showing up and trying to upsell to the protection package until they say you can’t do that anymore and things will work out. Probably.
Virgo: Somebody needs to tell Denny’s that Moons Over My Hammy should actually be Weather Balloons Over My Hammy. The planets think that you should be to one to do things like that this month Virgo. Tell the truths that need to be told. Expose those fakes! Take down those shysters! You will be so good at this month that the Secret Service should hire you to take down counterfeiters. We are talking like the gang from Scooby-Doo level of taking down counterfeiters, and there is just one of you and four of them, five if you count the dog. You are “those meddling kids” this month. Just you.
Libra: American democracy is in trouble these days, mostly due to it being so moon like, as in it is not real, or if real, not what it appears to be. It may look like the remnants of a collision between the earth and another object billions of years ago that reformed into a sphere that looks a lot like a weather balloon, but come on…you don’t really believe in that do you? Of course you don’t and this month the stars won’t let you. Appearances can be deceiving Libras and this month you will see through all the lies, falsehoods, myths, and gobbledygook and see the truth.
Scorpio: If the Watergate scandal taught us anything, it was to “follow the money”, with “don’t install tape recorders in your office” coming in a close second. For you younger readers, what you need to know about Watergate is that is where the term ______gate comes from. Without Watergate there would have been no Iran-Contra-gate, Gamergate, Bridgegate, Monicagate, Russiagate, Pizzagate, or Moongate. In other words, following the money will give you that answer to all of life’s questions. This month especially Scorpio. Venus controls your money and once you figure that out, it all falls into place.
Sagittarius: In ancient times, the simpler minds of humans though that a solar eclipse was a giant dragon eating the sun. Later, astronomers said that they were caused by the “moon” coming between the earth and the sun. They were both so stupid. We know better. We now know that we just will never know what causes solar eclipses and when they will happen. That is more than half the battle. Know what you do not know. This month you will not know a lot of things, but you will know enough to know that you do not know. Uranus the solar system’s joker of a planet will keep you in the dark this month, but you will be aware of it. Kind of like a dream while awake. Enjoy.
Capricorn: Did you know that 91.6% of all astrological signs do not believe the moon is real? That’s insane. You, however, are not like them. You are the 8.4%. The elite. The cream. Top shelf liquor. Imported beer. In a world full of Chachi’s you are the Fonz. The stars and planets, and yes, even the moon, are shining on you every day. Nights too. How did you get so lucky? It is not luck; it is astrology, and nothing is more pure or real than that. So, take heart in the fact that this month you will be even more golden than usual. The planets are using all their energy stabbing the other eleven signs in the back this month. Lucky you.
*Brought to you by a generous grant from Chico’s Bail Bonds.