It’s a full Blue moon on Halloween, so you know what that means: you are already a literate werewolf.  Also, horoscopes! *

Aquarius: You are the most lupine of all the signs Aquarius, so you are most likely to suffer from werewolfism. Nobody knows why that is, but any month with two full moons gives you twice the chance to go through any changes. This is the month to go from being right-handed to left-handed if you have been planning on that. You can always change back on the next full moon after you have tried it out. If you are ambidextrous, nobody will ever know. 

Pisces: Pisces, this month you are very much like a Frankenstein’s monster. (See how I used that properly? It’s called an education). Not quite sewn together from corpse parts, but very close. You will be an amalgamation of many personality traits this month. Some of them polar opposites and causing conflict. Do not confuse these parts as being of a criminal nature as if some Igor-type switched up the specimens. Unless they are.

Aries: Aries, you are very vampire-like this month. Not in the unholy undead sense, or in the blood-sucking, but in the aversion to sunlight. You will also love the nightlife and feel an usual urge to boogie on the “disco round”. You may also feel an unnatural desire for “action”, while at the same time wanting to “live”. Yes, the sun is a star, but no It is not weird that the stars would make you not want exposure to one of their own this month. It knows what it did.

Taurus: This month you are like a zombie, Taurus. You will keep coming in an unsatiable quest for whatever you desire. Maybe brains? It might be a good month to join Mensa in that case. If brains are not your thing, maybe join the cast of a reality TV show. (I was going to make a topical political joke there, but according to Federal Astrology Department regulations, it is too close to an election and runs afoul of FEC rules). Whatever you desire this month, the power it has over you will be overpowering, and like a zombie, only destroying your brain will stop you.

Gemini: This month you will have “bats in the belfry” Geminis. This is an odd phrase, meaning you are crazy. Doesn’t make a lot of sense. Why wouldn’t bats like to roost in a belfry? Seems right up their alley. I say you take back this phrase this month even if you are “howling at the moon”. There is no reason the psychologically interesting can’t lead full, and productive lives. The key this month is to pass as close to normal as possible while under the influence of the Blue moon, that will be the first step towards taking back the belfry.

Cancer: Did you know that crabs and spiders are related, Cancer? Yep. You both have no backbones and an exoskeleton. This month you will be even more cowardly than usual. If you are brave most months, this will mean your cowardice will hardly be noticed. If the “chicken dance” scenes in Arrested Development hit a bit close to home, then you are going to see lots of folks getting a little to funky in your general vicinity. Don’t feel bad, we all have at least one fear. Sand worms! Am I right?

Leo: Witches have gotten a bad rap over the years but most of that is undeserved. Brides of Satan? Yeah, like the devil would get married. Spells and potions? Harmless for the most part unless you are newt. This is good news for you Leo as you are not a newt and you will be very witch like this month. Lots of style and street cred will come your way with very little lasting effect on others. Try not to go overboard trying to impress your coven, a modestly sized cauldron will be just as ineffective as a larger, showy model.

Virgo: Like witches, black cats have an undeserved bad reputation. Sadly, so will you this month Virgo. You will get blamed for everything and seen as bad omen. Nothing could be further from reality. Those who are in “the know” will realize you are just like cats of every other variety. It’s all about perception this month, and you will be on the wrong side of it. All the mousing victories you have will not stop people from avoiding your path this month. Just stick it out until next month when Neptune does “a thing” and it all goes back to normal.

Libra: You are like a mummy this month Libra. Not embalmed, so much as confused. Why are mummies confused? They were prepared for an afterlife and somehow get reanimated (if films are to be believed and we have no reason to doubt them) and are not in the afterlife. No wonder they wander the earth moaning and seeking revenge. The mummification process is quite unpleasant and to then be awoken from your slumber to find yourself in the British Museum must be very confusing. Confusion almost always turns to rage. Be aware of this throughout the month Libra. Just ride out the confusion.

Scorpio: Hobgoblins are a special type of goblin, one that resides in a home. Sort of a home spirit. Seeing as how they are reportedly grotesque in appearance; it makes sense that they would stay indoors. You will feel the need to stay home this month too Scorpio, but not due to your grotesque appearance. It will be the pull of the planets that will turn your mind toward home. Heed the planets this month. Who are you to deny them?

Sagittarius: Ghosts are the spirits of the dead trapped in a spot on the earth that they have some connection to. It kind of makes you wonder what the backstory of Slimer from Ghostbusters was? He has to have had one. Also, how did they know it was a dude? So many questions. Anyway, you will be like ghosts this month: trapped in a place that you have a connection to. Could be good, or bad. If it’s good, enjoy it, if it’s bad, lucky for you November only has thirty days. 

Capricorn:  Life is like a giant bowl of Halloween candy for you this month Capricorn. Not in the “fun size” way but the “rich-family-trying-too-hard and giving out the full-sized candy” way. Who cares why the planets are trying to impress you? Just fill your candy sack full of giant-sized overcompensation this month. You will probably have plenty of good fortune to last you through to Thanksgiving.

*Brought to you by a generous grant from the Amish Fiction Appreciation Society.