It’s a full moon, so you know what that means: The Moon has inflated its air sacs to frighten predators.  Also, horoscopes! *

Aquarius: You never were much of the kind of person to join things. It’s not that you are antisocial, you just fear the slightest hint of intimacy and familiarity that comes with being the member of an organization. You also have seen what can happen when the mob gets out of hand. It’s a fine line between your Beanie Baby appreciation club and making plans to overthrow the government of a county you haven’t even heard of, much less, been to. Fear not, for the next month you can join anything, safe in the knowledge your group will not stray from its stated purpose. But choose wisely, once you are on the mailing list it is hard to get off.

Pisces: Another month? Where does the time go? Pisces, you will feel time speed up even more this month. It really is dumb to go from a 31 day month straight into a 28 day month. They really should ease you into that freak month with a nice 30 day month instead. Who did this? You should get to the bottom of it and propose a solution. In olden times, you’d have to be elected Pope to do such a thing, nowadays we have the internet and I’m pretty sure that eliminates the papal prerequisite to propose and adopt calendar changes. This will be a good month for you to do so.

Aries: This is the month for you to make off the wall, unpopular opinions known. For example: the best track on the Clash’s debut album is “What’s My Name”. Put that out online and see what response you get. Why the death threats? Because, unlike you, I’m no Aries. If you come up with an unpopular opinion this month, you will get away with it. You might even persuade the easily persuadable. The harder to persuade won’t cave in, but they also won’t hassle you this month. Give it a try. Big up the Star Wars prequels. Verbally roll your eyes at all things Harry Potter. Proclaim the Beatles overrated. Enjoy. You won’t get this pass very often.

Taurus: What are your plans for the future, Taurus? Why am I asking? Well, unless you drop dead after reading this, you have a future and it needs planning. There is not too much pressure in that, because most plans do not work out. So why make them? Because some do and you don’t get to pick which ones, so make them all. This month is great for planning for the future for your astrological kind. You really lucked out with it being the start of a new year too. Start with what to have for dinner and them move to bigger things like who you will enter into a tontine with. I suggest pizza for the former and old people for the latter.

Gemini: Gemini’s sign is the twins and that can sort of feel like someone is always in the bathroom watching you go. If that’s your “thing”, I will tell you that you are a freaky perv who nobody will ever love. Well, I guess somebody else will be into that, but good luck finding them online! (That statement will age like a fine cheese being held by a shirtless Harrison Ford) This month you will not get any alone time and if you are normally OK with that, this month might have you switching sides on that thought. If you can just not burn to many bridges before next month, things will be back to their normally crowded ways.

Cancer: Like time, the Tooth Fairy, or trickle-down economics, money is a made up concept that only is useful in keeping you from facing the harsh truth. You, however, are real and it doesn’t matter if the other star signs think you are not. They are just jealous. This month you are the harsh reality that they don’t want to face. Next month your light will overpower their shade. In the meantime, do what you like. I quote Humpty Hump when he said “…If you see a guy you like, ‘Just grab ‘em in the biscuits’”. Why? If they don’t think you exist, how can you be culpable? Until next month all your cases will be dismissed on one big technicality. 

Leo: Leo, you will be crooked this month. Not in an untrustworthy way, but in a linear sense. You will bounce between points A and B like a pinball on a machine with a broken tilt. Is that a bad thing? Not if you game the system. There is lots to see between those two points if you travel in a very inefficient way. Enjoy the ride, send postcards along the way, and be sure to get those award miles. You can’t win them all, so you might as well cash in while you are losing the best you can. 

Virgo: This is not the month for you Virgos to write a rock opera. I’m not sure if there is EVER a good month to write a rock opera, but this will be the worst one for sure. Don’t be fooled by the ease at which the story comes to you, once you rock it out it will be nothing more than a bad concept album with actors. Actors never make anything easier. It’s all drama all the time with them. Maybe you should take those song ideas and sell them as jingles for commercials? I’m sure whoever owns the publishing on Aretha Franklin’s “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?” is about to get bank now that everyone is using Zoom for work.

Libra: This is the month for you to spoil your pets more than usual Libra. Let’s face it, you don’t deserve them. You are kind of hard to live with. Ask your exes, they will tell you I’m right (also that you are wrong about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g). You need to give them extra treats, extra love, and higher quality than normal bedding or litter. They have earned it and will very much appreciate it this month. Next month you can go back to being your normal self in this regard and they will go back to throwing up on all that you own. As it should be.

Scorpio: The internet is all abuzz with Halsey being pregnant. You may be asking “Who is Halsey? What does pregnant mean? Where is that large automobile?” All valid questions, but not the important ones for you this month. The important questions for you this month are all existential. Why are you here? Why do you do what you do? What is causing that smell in the refrigerator? Who is my real father? Who wrote the book of love and why hasn’t it been made into a movie or at least and podcast yet? All good questions and all will be revealed to you this month. 

Sagittarius: There should be a species of ancient reptiles called a Sagittarisaurus. If you discover one, you can name it that after your sign, you know. This month will be a month of discoveries for you. Maybe not a giant reptile fossil, but for other things both big and small. Maybe you will discover a clever way to name your solo album after your name a la Kihnspiracy by the Greg Kihn Band. Perhaps your discovery will be the album Discovery by Electric Light Orchestra. Maybe your will discover that the tumor is benign.  That’s the great thing about discoveries, they are usually surprises.

Capricorn: You will look and feel ten years younger this month Capricorn. Maybe it’s the weight of 2020 off of your shoulders, maybe it’s the new healthy diet, or it’s the stars. Probably the stars. What can you do with all of this newfound energy for the month? Things that demand action! Or youthful looks. That’s about it. But those are two pretty good places to begin. Enjoy them while you have them because next month you will look and feel like you are a 120 year-old who worked in mining since the age of five and have 16 kids.

*Brought to you by a generous grant from the Republic of West Korea.