It’s the full moon closest to Daylight Savings Time, so you know what that means: the farmers have won again. Also, horoscopes!*
Aquarius: This is the month you get to binge on carbs. Fat Tuesday ain’t got a thing on Fat April. (The month, not your friend April, she’s not fat btw, the term is morbidly obese). The planets are moving about for you this month and that should be enough to burn off all those extra calories so order those bacon-cheese fries!
Pisces: Did you know there is a different set of heavenly bodies visible from the southern hemisphere? That means different constellations. You’d think they would have their own zodiac down there, but they don’t. Why? I don’t know, they don’t cover that in astrology school. I guess we will never know….unless you go back to school. Time to get your learn on! This month is the best, and probably only, time to do that.
Aries: They discovered a small asteroid has now entered orbit around the Earth giving us a second moon for a while. It is fleeting and will be launched back out from whence it came. This is an auspicious sign for you Aries, time for you to start a secret family in another city. Just make sure it is far enough away from your current spouse and kids.
Taurus: This month will be like a lone, jagged Lego brick on the bare foot of your life. You can hop up and down and swear a lot, but your kid still won’t clean their room. The best way to avoid it is to not go in the room. Bummer that this month has 31 days for you. On the plus side, you did lose an hour of it to Daylight Savings Time.
Gemini: Baseball starts this month and you are like a baseball: tightly wound, covered in animal hide, and with a center of compressed cork. Well, you are tightly wound this month Aries. The planets are doing some things and it means you are more tense than usual. Since the planets are on their own schedules, you will need booze and lots of it.
Cancer: Time for a new pet. The ones you have are all losers, lacking in the cuteness department and poor companions. This means no hermit crabs! Sorry Cancer, I know it seems counter intuitive, but crabs are terrible pets. Crabs are hardly even edible. Get a fluffy something-or-other this month at the animal shelter and the stars say it will be a perfect match.
Leo: Leo, it seems the world is worried about COVID-19, and maybe it should be, but it definitely should be worried about you this month. YOU are the real threat. Use this knowledge of your dangerous powers to tread lightly on your fellow man and wash your hands. A good song to hum while doing so is the album version of “Love To Love You Baby” by Donna Summer: 16mins and 49secs of handwashing ecstasy.
Virgo: This is the month you get a do-over Virgo. Did you know they remade Shaft twice? C’mon! Aren’t you worth a least a few remakes? You may not have Samuel L. Jackson in the retooling of your life, but you do have the planets and that ain’t bad. Just be sure to have some of those arm-floaty-things if you burn down too many bridges and still want to get to the other side.
Libra: You will hear a lot of so called “astronomers” (or astrologers, I get them confused) talk about “Mercury being in retrograde…blah…blah…etc.” and think “what does that mean for me”? Nothing. Mercury appearing to go backwards is just an illusion, and if there is one thing we know for sure it that there is no room for illusions in horoscopes. We deal in facts here and are a bit sore you brought it up. We will be over it by next month.
Scorpio: What are your life goals this month? If you don’t have any, how will you know if you attain them? What are you going to do, just let the universe off the hook if you don’t achieve them? Get started formulating them and getting them down, the only way you can complain about your failures is if you bring receipts. It’s kind of like filing your taxes with the stars, you have to have the documents if you want to get those cosmic deductions.
Sagittarius: Basketball was invented, and is played as a winter sport, so why is it in the Summer Olympics? It’s as if they decided to put ice hockey in the Summer Olympics. Makes no sense. Well, this month dear Sagittarius you will be able to make sense of the nonsense. The planets and stars have willed for you a mental clarity this month that will be the envy of all. After this month, you will go back to the state of perpetual confusion of your fellow man. We will hate you for it this month because we are jealous like that.
Capricorn: Speaking of the hatred of your fellow man, you have it this month. The planets continue to smile upon you and the other eleven signs are starting to notice. It’s not your fault, just be aware and try not to stand out too much. Hit a few clams at band practice, brick a couple of free throws, leave that easy spare, you know, get elected to the House and not the Senate. You are still going to win. Just make it look like you struggle a bit.
*Brought to you by a generous grant from the Principality of Andorra.