It’s the full moon, so you know what that means: slather on that moonscreen. Also, horoscopes! *

Aquarius: You’ve made it this far Aquarius (if not, shouldn’t you be haunting somewhere instead of reading horoscopes?) and that’s an accomplishment. We both know you have no idea how you did. Just keep on keeping on. This month is not the month to try anything new. The old has served you well and you should keep to that. Do not change your calendar system until next month at the earliest. Better yet, wait until next Smarch.

Pisces: You probably think you have been having a rough time lately and that society is falling apart. Well you have it better than bees do, and they produce honey. What do you give the world that makes it care if YOUR colony collapses? (note, colony in the bee sense, not in the racist exploitation of other lands). Am I saying you should turn pollen into a sticky-sweet substance that will be beloved by others? No, but this month is a great month to do anything that will make us care if your hive dies out. 

Aries: Do not get out of bed this month with the exception of going to the bathroom. The stars are not auspicious at this time. Call the boss and tell them you are sick every day. Bribe your doctor (I suggest Dr. Nick) to write you a note. What will you do while in bed all month? Sleep quite a bit, but other than that it is up to you. I suggest you plan for the future. Nothing is better for a clear mind than mild hibernation. 

Taurus: You will remember everything you read in a book this month Taurus. Not on a website, not on a TV, not on a billboard, only from a book. It must have a spine or else the spell is broken. Never has there been a better time to learn mandarin, or learn to spin your own yarn, or how to master nuclear fusion. So, head to your local library and get on it! You might even find a book on how to do horoscopes and escape the clutches of “big astrology”. Good luck with that.

Gemini: There are people who to this day still insist the world is flat. They will come up with all sorts of arguments (mostly on YouTube) that they say support their position on a flat earth. They are delusional. This is not the 16^th Century, we know better. Why do they persist? You can’t explain crazy. What does that have to do with you this month Gemini? All month people will think YOU are nuts. They are wrong. This month you will see through all the propaganda and insanity and speak the truth, but most people will think that you are the one who has gone mad. Stay strong and be sure to place the appropriate bets.

Cancer: This month Cancer, you will find all of the marbles you have previously lost both figuratively and literally. That is good news for both your mental health and marbles playing. Why would the universe grant you a rare twofer this month? Who are we to question it? Just run with it. Use your newfound sanity to get ahead where your brain had previously held you back. You should also use your marbles to beat local youths out of their marbles and, thusly, corner the marble market.

Leo: This hurricane season they named a tropical storm Nana. Seriously. That’s the equivalent of Hurricane Grandma or Granny. Might as well name it Hurricane Cuddly-Wuddly Bear. Things need appropriate names. Hurricane Hitler or Stalin or Nickelback. Branding is important Leo, and this month is a great time to change your name to something that you feel is more reflective of your brand. The stars say you can “fake it until you make it” this month. While the stars have no opinion on what you chose, I would stay clear of the name Karen. You gotta read the room.

Virgo: You know that song by Chicago, “Saturday In The Park”? The singer states that he thinks it was the 4^thof July. What? He didn’t notice any fireworks? Didn’t see any fat, American families decked out in matching American flag t-shirts? He must’ve seen something to make him think it was Independence Day. The result, Virgo, is that he is not a very believable witness. You, however, will be a very believable witness this month. You could convince the jury that Jeffery Dahmer was a studious medical student and was only stockpiling human heads for research. Good thing it is only for this month, and Dahmer was convicted and killed in prison in 1994. We can’t risk him going free. Use your power wisely. 

Libra: Be wary of strangers this month Libra. Very wary. Kremlin critic wary. People should not be out and about during this pandemic unless it is essential, so anyone you don’t know lurking about is there for a reason and it can’t be good. The stars have given you a heads up this month. Don’t waste their generosity and no matter what, make your own tea.

Scorpio: This is the month to ditch all of your disciples Scorpio. You don’t need a bunch of yes men and women clouding up your thinking. Don’t rush out to replace them, you could end up with a bunch of naysayers. Neither will do you much good the next month. After the next full moon the planets are more favorable for you to find a good group of followers who will back you up when you need it, but will also drop you like dead rapper’s label releases albums by him if you start talking about the move to Guyana: fast and often.

Sagittarius: This month all of your spam emails will be actual good deals. Nigerian money will pour in, hot Asian singles desire you, and there really is a COVID cure. What will you do with your new lover, money, and heath? I’d invest in real estate, but only if you get an unsolicited email about it. Next month it’ll be all internet scams all the time, but the next moon cycle is a hole in reality that was crafted just for you. Don’t forget to tip your astrologer. He only takes Bitcoin. 

Capricorn:  If you die this month Capricorn you will die of something unusual. No heart disease or cancer for you, not this month. Choked on moth. Eaten by New Guinea Singing Dogs. Jet-pack mishap. Tripped over a squirrel and landed in a volcano. Space junk re-entry. Shaving accident. Hex. Hydrophobia. Boogie-Woogie Flu. Slug allergy. Cheese deficiency. Tropical viruses yet to be described in a reputable scientific journal. Next month it’s back to the usual threats, but this month you will die of something worthy of The X-Files or Unsolved Mysteries.

*Brought to you by a generous grant from the Prussian Government.