It’s that time of year again, Yearuary! It’s the perfect time to put the kids to bed early, crack open a case of bubbling liquid, and destroy most of the inner solar system with a warm, oven-fresh batch of Coronal Mass Ejection biscuits. They may seems impossible to make, but history has proven that all…
Author: Sarlo
I was born. For a long time, I've lived. The rest TBD.
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Chicken-Fried Go Fuck Yourself
It’s that time of the year again, Wednesmuffsember! It’s a great time for fried foods, like jackal fritters and killer whale strips. But, while those dishes might see you packing on the pounds like a disgusting, ancestor-shaming piece of shit, Chicken-Fried Go Fuck Yourself is a delicious, healthy alternative that will help you stay trim…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Meconium Tarts
It’s that time of the year again! Fuckitscolduary! It’s the perfect time to snuggle up by a large rock, and eat a picnic basket full of Meconium Tarts! Like the name suggests, they are tarts. If your spouse, significant other, or security blanket you “legally” married because you “repeatedly fucked it,” tries to tell you…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Twice Fried Cat Ass
It’s that time of year again, Brideofchucky Eve, a very special time of year. It’s that time of year when all the good little boys and girls ride jet skis into the hell waters of Fukushima, Japan, and every grandma across America hangs a bucket of slaw over the basement door. Why not celebrate this…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Endometrium Puffs
It’s that time of the year again, Killmetober! That time of year when you’ve been stuck in one location for six months, and time no longer has any meaning. What sumptuous dish could possibly bash your nascent depression in its fucking fontanels? Try Endomatrium Puffs! Or don’t try them! What’s the point of trying anything?…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Puppy Loaf
It’s that time of year again, right now, the perfect time to get a basket of puppies drunk and then have them lick your puffy genitals until you explode like one of Elon Musk’s weird rockets. He named his kid after the sound dial-up Internet makes. That’s pretty fun. Also fun? Eating a fresh batch…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Mercury Toast Crunch
It’s that time of year again, GoddammitLarryember! It’s that time of year you think is named after the Spanish verb for ‘to wash,’ but is really named after the commonplace practice of yelling, “GODDAMMIT, LARRY!!” because it’s so fucking hot outside all the time. I mean… honestly… Have your nipples ever sweated this much? I…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Broccoli and Baby Otter Face Casserole
It’s that time of the year again, Toyotathong, that special time of year when people jam cars up their ass cracks. You know what would be a perfect tasty treat for Toyotathong? Anything! But, also, Broccoli and Baby Otter Face Casserole — a dish so orifice-watering that a single serving can water 125 orifices (215…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Whooooaaa, Motherfucker, Whoa à la King
It’s that time of year again, June. That time of year when it’s fucking June. Why not celebrate this year by setting your face on fire with a welding torch? And when the cartilage in your nose has cooled down to a crisp 400°, you will want to enjoy a summer treat! Whooooaaa, Motherfucker, Whoa…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Chambered Nautilus Pops
It’s that time of year again, Spummer — when it’s supposed to be Spring, but everything’s on fire already. I blame Al Gore. That motherfucker invented the internet, and then went and gave us Climate Change. The Gore giveth, and the Gore taketh away, I guess. Anyway, Spummer means it’s time for frozen treats, and…