It’s that time of the year again! Gravydroughtpril! That time of the year where everybody notices all of the sudden that there ain’t no damned gravy anywhere! Don’t be caught with dry food such as baked chicken or Saharan wood ash biscuits (recipe to come). When life gives you dry dinner, it’s time to whup…
Tag: horror
In the Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Whorebaby Surprise
One bite of this, and I farted blood!
In the Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Honey Glazed Surgery Scraps Brownies
Gosh DAMN these are yummy!
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Twice Brandied Roofing Nail Surprise
It’s that time of the year again! Nowsünownow! It’s the perfect time to whup up a warm, cheesy batch of Twice Brandied Roofing Nail Surprise. (The surprise is a sudden gush of bloody mucus from a mouthful of roofing nails piercing your sinuses!) If excruciating oral pain isn’t your thing, you could tweak the recipe…
In the Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Existential Dread Patties
It’s that time of year again: Reflectuary. That time of year when I think about my life. Sitting here, drinking corporate supply chain coffee, wearing corporate supply chain clothes, typing on a shiny machine made from rare earth minerals and human misery, it’s impossible to feel as though individuality matters. Lucky am I to be…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Chicken-Fried Go Fuck Yourself
It’s that time of the year again, Wednesmuffsember! It’s a great time for fried foods, like jackal fritters and killer whale strips. But, while those dishes might see you packing on the pounds like a disgusting, ancestor-shaming piece of shit, Chicken-Fried Go Fuck Yourself is a delicious, healthy alternative that will help you stay trim…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Broccoli and Baby Otter Face Casserole
It’s that time of the year again, Toyotathong, that special time of year when people jam cars up their ass cracks. You know what would be a perfect tasty treat for Toyotathong? Anything! But, also, Broccoli and Baby Otter Face Casserole — a dish so orifice-watering that a single serving can water 125 orifices (215…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Whooooaaa, Motherfucker, Whoa à la King
It’s that time of year again, June. That time of year when it’s fucking June. Why not celebrate this year by setting your face on fire with a welding torch? And when the cartilage in your nose has cooled down to a crisp 400°, you will want to enjoy a summer treat! Whooooaaa, Motherfucker, Whoa…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Chambered Nautilus Pops
It’s that time of year again, Spummer — when it’s supposed to be Spring, but everything’s on fire already. I blame Al Gore. That motherfucker invented the internet, and then went and gave us Climate Change. The Gore giveth, and the Gore taketh away, I guess. Anyway, Spummer means it’s time for frozen treats, and…
In The Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Salisbury Queef
It’s that time of the year again: Queefster! That magical time of year when Queefus Christ comes back from the dead to hand out presents to good little boys and girls, such as chocolate and bags of bloody, chopped-off hooves. This year, why not celebrate by preparing this one-of-a-kind sumptuous feast for your loved ones!…