It’s a full moon so you know what that means, the monthly swallowing and regurgitation of the moon by the giant sky dragon has entered the regurgitation phase AND it’s time to see what the stars and planets have in store for you!
Aquarius: This month is a great time to learn to play the bagpipe. Never mind the naysayers. Never mind that nobody outside of Scotland likes them. Never mind that first responders keep hassling you and denied your application to the academy. This will show them all. The stars will it.
Pisces: This month will find you questioning your very star sign. You should watch the 1979 film The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh and grow a giant Dr. J afro. If you do this and can dunk from the free-throw line, you will know that you are truly a Pisces. If not, it will expose your birth certificate as the forgery it is. Talk to those who claim to be your parents.
Aries: Aries is the first of the Fire signs. (Books are full if useful information). What does this mean for you this month? A burning desire for revenge! This month is the only month all of your sweet, sweet revenge plots will be successful. Fair warning: the stars will grant you successful revenge, but the law does not (yet) recognize the stars as a legislator in this country.
Taurus: Some science types have worked out there may be a mysterious “Planet X” that orbits beyond Neptune. What does that mean for you? Nothing, until they get it on film. Once that happens, it will be your new astrological daddy. In the meantime, get ready for changing everything. This month is a great time to replace everything you own.
Gemini: 2020. Gemini’s symbol is the twins. Do I have to spell it out? OK, I guess I do. Jeez. 2020 will be the best year for you until 2121. You are so lucky to have the imaginary concept of time and its arbitrary numbering system align up with your real zodiac sign every-so-often. Don’t squander it. 2121 is a long way off and you will probably be dead or in a home by then and unable to cash in.
Cancer: I was going to start the American Cancer Society, you know, a sort of social club for Cancers, but a “cease and desist” letter I got let me know the name was already taken. My compromise was that they should change their name to Americans Against Cancer Society. Sounded reasonable to me. Their team of lawyers disagreed. The moral for you this month is you should know when you have been whipped. Even if you have the better idea, and you Cancers will always have the better idea.
Leo: You will find happiness with a new love
Virgo: Stick with your wife.
Libra: Libra is in fact NOT a hipster, Millennial abbreviation for the word “library”. It might be a hipster Gen-X one, though. What I am sure of is that Libra’s symbol is scales. This month that means you will not get justice. At all. In any endeavor. If I were you, I wouldn’t gamble, serve on a jury, attempt to cook, use a dating app, weld, forage, or listen to Metallica all month. January has 31 days too. See, if there were justice for you it would be February.
Scorpio: Scorpio is a water sign which is odd since the constellation Scorpius is in space. Don’t let that deter you Scorpios out there. Talk Like A Pirate Day is dumb and it is only a day, you are getting a whole month of big-water-sign-mojo! This month is a great month to dress nautical. It will also be a favorable month to salvage any shipwrecks you happen upon in your daily routine.
Sagittarius: I would totally eat a product called Sagitarri-Os. Either as a breakfast cereal or some type of canned pasta. What does that mean for you? This will be a good month to explore your culinary wiles. Napoleon was to have said “An army marches on it’s stomach”. Such an ignorant understanding of marching cost him at Waterloo, this is certain, but you can use the real meaning of this phrase to conquer as much or as little of Europe as you want this month.
Capricorn: You wanna know who else is a Capricorn? Elvis. David Bowie. Andy Summers. Donna Summer. Pretty heavy company, huh? Don’t let it get you down, I’m sure you are pretty awesome at something. Maybe even two or three somethings. The problem is probably that you have yet to get out there and market yourself. This month, the stars want you to do that. Every damn night. School, jobs, and cover charges be damned. Put the babysitter on retainer this month.
*Brought to you be a generous donation from The Discount Wrestling Federation.