It’s the full moon, so you know what that means: the moon got some of that government money. Also, horoscopes! *
Aquarius: Aquarius, if the song can be trusted, your age dawned it the 1960s with a bunch of stinky hippies. We have no reason to doubt pop music. Why would the 5th Dimension lie to us via song? The song was correct about the dawning of your age, but it contained no info on the date of the ending of your age. I’m here to tell you that you should just keep running with it and see if you can convince everyone it is still your age. For all we know it may be. Prove us wrong.
Pisces: This is the month to start that tell-all book you have been stewing over in your mind. Normally ratting out everyone is a bad idea, but the stars this month are more favorable for you to narc on everyone and get off scot-free. Don’t worry about the repercussions. Kato Kaelin wrote that book to cash in on the O.J. Simpson trial and where is he now? See, you have no idea who he is. Scot-free. Scot-free with sales royalties and maybe a movie deal if your agent is any good.
Aries: Time to put the band back together Aries. This is the month to do it. The stars think you would do with the gentile constraint that only band members can provide you. Your solo stuff has become a bit self-indulgent and derivative as of late. It’s not bad, just not very good. A real drummer will help you get out of those tired, old beats you use on your drum machine. You can either do the will of the stars and get used to the idea of your bandmates or start working on your résumé.
Taurus: This month is the month to travel, Tauruses. Since that might kill you and anyone you come in contact with, you will have to travel without really going anywhere. It’s not ideal. Try laps around your house or yard. That way you can technically do the bidding of the stars and still live to tell about it. They aren’t really paying attention anyway. There are eleven other star signs they have to keep track of.
Gemini: For obvious reasons, the stars’ favorite David Bowie album is The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. It gives a shout-out to one of the planets in the title, but it’s not pandering. If anyone else did it, it would be, but Bowie was not anyone else. What does it have to do with you? If you are awesome enough the rules change, and for you this month, you are awesome enough to have changed rules in your favor. We won’t know just how changed until you try. Remember, you can’t break rules unless there are rules. Good luck.
Cancer: This month you must do what you are told. Gemini’s are cool enough to get away with stuff this month, but not you. You are going through that awkward just-entered-puberty phase kind of a month this month. You are not cool, and you stand out as not being cool. The nail that sticks out get hammered down so do your best to not violate any codes or rules written or unspoken. I am really worried about you this month. Good luck.
Leo: Did you know Fidel Castro only had a few dozen men in his rebel army at the start of the Cuban revolution? What does that mean for you this month Leo? Does it mean you and a few pals can overthrow an American backed dictator in the Latin America? Probably. But will take perseverance, not to mention a steady supply of ammunition and food, but mostly good old perseverance. You have that this month courtesy of the stars. If you really use it, you will also have it into next month. So, if you have a short list of governments to overthrow, there is no time like now to start. Unless it is the rainy season there. If it is, pick somewhere else. Nothing slows a marching rebel army down like tropical foot fungus.
Virgo: This is the month to think of your fellow humans more than you normally do. There’s a lot of talk floating around about us “all being in this together”, normally I would tell you that’s a lot of BS, but not for you Virgos this month. The stars have your back as long and you have the back of others. If you decide to defy the stars this month and only look out for yourself, they will get their revenge. You do not want that, Saturn has a long, vengeful memory interwoven in those rings.
Libra: You are going to have to face it, you are addicted to love this month Libroids. What can you do about that? Not much. Maybe a bigger dose of love than your normal dose? That does sort of go against a gradual reduction of the amount over a slow time period as recommended by doctors to treat addiction. Love is not a narcotic and the planets, that control all btw, are not doctors, so more love it is! Next month you can cut back and get back to your hateful, hateful ways.
Scorpio: This month squirrels will raid your tomato plants. This will be due to Neptune being ornery and zapping the little furry cuties right in the brain with space rays. How the squirrels will know the tomatoes have been planted by Scorpios is unknown to science and astrology and the astrology of science. Some things man was not meant to know. In the meantime, put netting around your plants and try to lure them away with peanuts.
Sagittarius: This month you will grow a massive amount of ear hair. If you are a middle-aged man you may be thinking “Yeah, what else is new?”. Let me tell you guys, you will look like 1977 Princess Lea, does that seem normal to you? Hmmm. Maybe that hair-do was really ear hair? Makes you think. Doesn’t matter. She was still a top-shelf baller that is way out of everyone but Han Solo’s league. You are just gonna look a bit freaky for a month. Stack plucking.
Capricorn: You know how Prince went through that purple phase? This month you will go through a comparable green phase due to the overpowering influence of Mars which is getting a bit testy due to the fact we are in close proximity and keep launching probes at it. How many alien probes can you be expected to take before you lash out in some way? I’m guessing one. Get used to green, it will be all you can think about for the next month.
*Brought to you by a generous grant from the Hurricane Appreciation Society.