It’s a full moon, so you know what that means: you lost the gift receipt and can’t return it. Also, horoscopes! *
Aquarius: Jupiter and Saturn will be in conjunction this month and the closest observable one since the year 1226. Like the 13th Century, you need to be aware of possible bad omens. Maybe Mongol hordes, or maybe aliens from another dimension. It is hard to say for sure. But we do know that when two planets get extra frisky with each other, stuff tends to happen and not just to geeks who are aware of it. It’ll do it again in 2080. You have been warned.
Pisces: Have you ever wondered by the new year starts January 1st instead of something more astronomical, like an equinox or solstice? What ever happened to the Republican calendar adopted during the French Revolution? I think 12 Nivôse an CCXXX looks a lot cooler than January 1, 2021. Doesn’t that count for something? If it’s all imaginary and relative, it might as well look classy. Try and look as classy as you can going into the new year, even if it is just for show. If you can keep it up past January (or into Pluviôse if I have convinced you to switch calendars) you will be superior to all the slackers that lose interest in their personal betterment after two weeks.
Aries: 2020 has been a bum year for humans but being human is your lot in life so all you can do is adjust. January will be a good month for you to make adjustments. You will have to, so you might as well get good at it, or at least pretend you are. It doesn’t have to be big, slide your car seat back a notch, lower your thermostat a degree, convert to the metric system, train a cat to do anything, or learn to write left-handed. The only way to avoid your task is to become non-human. It will be easier to just do it.
Taurus: With the planets bobbing about our solar system in unusual ways this month, now is a good time to start new things. You have been neglecting your language skills lately, it is time to try a new one. Start small. Just learning one Basque word a day you will be surprised that you will know all the words in only 43,000 years! Then you can tackle the grammar. Better get going, in February 2021 any progress will be reversed in what we astrologers call the “hangover effect”.
Gemini: Did you know the “media” is calling December’s Jupiter-Saturn conjunction a “Christmas Star”? That’s so dumb. First, there are two of them. Second, they are both planets. Third, it isn’t happening on Xmas. Gemini, you know that two of something are not the same as one of something. You are wise to the laziness of others this month, but you may be the only one. It’s your monthly super-power and will come in handy as we head-butt our way to the New Year.
Cancer: Have you put up your Valentine’s tree yet? There was a run on live Xmas trees in 2020 along with antacids for some reason. If you plan on celebrating acid reflux, you should have started by now. I don’t think the tree producers will be able to meet the demand this year for Valentine’s trees. So those are two things you may not be able to do this month, but there are plenty of other things you can try to do. Just because you didn’t stockpile Tums or live fir trees doesn’t mean you can’t get ahead of the game. Life is about timing and you will have plenty of good timing for the rest of the month to stockpile other things that will be in short supply soon, like Yellow River Dolphins. (Too soon?)
Leo: Taylor Swift has released two new albums this year. How many have you released? Is she a Leo? There is no easy way to know without getting in touch with her, but you are a Leo, Leo, and this month you can do anything you want with at least twice the regular vim! Your regular vim is already at a pretty high level so don’t restrain yourself if you think you can push it further. If I were a Leo, I’d have done twice the horoscopes this month…minimum. No pressure.
Virgo: Ever run out of ideas Virgo? Well, this month you will be full of ideas. The trick will be transferring those ideas to the material world. You can show me the plans for a death-ray all you want, but it’s not real until I get nervous when you point it at me. But beware, just because you have tons of ideas this month doesn’t mean they will all be worthy of seeing them all through to completion. This month shows positive signs in the stars that most of your ideas will, in fact, be killer.
Libra: What was the last book you read Libra? You would think Libras would be big readers since “libra” is the root word for library. No, I’m pretty sure that’s true. The point is you should read more. If you would spend more time reading and less time telling me how you don’t have time to read, you would be reading more. If you can’t read, stop reading this and learn to read, or at least pay for the audio version. The first month of 2021 will be the best time to absorb what you read, and you need to make it count.
Scorpio: February is a short, sneaky month. Like the Hamburgler, but not as obvious. He wears a mask and a striped shirt. February looks like any other month on the calendar until you pay close attention to its number of days. It is kind of diabolical. You should keep that in mind this month Scorpio. Most months you are 28 days, but next month you will be 29. Do it sneaky-like and make the most of it. You are back to 28 next month.
Sagittarius: You should think more about the common good this month. It’s SaggittariUS, not SaggatariYOU. One month of thinking about others instead of your normal me, me, me! ain’t so bad. You can go back to your normal next month. The stars want you on the team this month. They are probably just short a warm body. You should, however, play to impress. There may be an opening coming up soon. Entry level. The pay is not much, but it does have benefits.
Capricorn: The transition from one year to the next is always time for reflection. Unless you are a vampire. You would not need to reflect on the past since you have an unlimited future. You also would have no reflection. But non-undead Capricorns should reflect this month. Gaze upon the past year and try to keep it in context. Take solace that it is probably just a coincidence that all those things that happened in 2020 just so happened to be clustered together in the march of time, and the odds are against them happening again in 2021. If they do, you will have seen them before and be much more prepared. 2021 will the same as 2020 for you Capricorn: a year, if you can get through 365 days.
*Brought to you by a generous grant from the Bankruptcy Hall of Fame and Museum (we made them pay in cash).