It’s that time of the year again! Wearefuckedtember! It’s that magical time of the year when a pandemic finally reveals its true killing stroke, fucking idiots. These intellectual turnips are running around, refusing a vaccine during a once-in-a-century fucking pandemic! I mean, holy fucking fuck with that shit! Why not celebrate this Wearefuckedtember season by gathering the family together, and enjoying a steaming plate of Pan Seared Twat Hominy! I mean, what else are you gonna do? Go to work?? Who the fuck wants to do that?? Yes, hello, can I sell my entire life for $10/hour and no benefits or retirement? Where do I sign up?? If you serve your family Pan Seared Twat Hominy, and they whine, “Ewwww! What is this??” Tell them, “It’s Pan Seared Twat Hominy, you complaining little shits.” And then put on a sombrero covered in gold sequins because fuck it! Why not? There’s an outfit for every season, especially Wearefuckedtember! This ain’t your grandma’s Pan Seared Twat Hominy!

YOU WILL NEED

• 1 dramatically large sack of unbleached flour
• 2 cups honey mayonnaise
• 1/64 dram of pineapple extract, de-extracted
• side A from Stevie Wonder’s Innervisions on vinyl (If you are unable to locate side A of Stevie Wonder’s Innervisions without side B already attached, which can theoretically happen, a simple trick is to run the vinyl record on its side through a table saw, and cut the two sides apart manually. Having difficulty holding the fragile record steady with all the vibrating from the table saw? Hold it between your teeth, BUT be careful not to saw your face in half. Timing is key here.)
• 12 lbs pelican dicks
• 1 family pack of all-purpose syringes
• 4 cold chicken nuggets your kid wouldn’t eat so now you’re going to have to eat them and god DAMN you are tired of cold chicken nuggets they taste like rubber wrapped in sand paper Is this parenthood? Is this my life now???
• 2 cherry life savers
• 2 cherry life destroyers
• 1/2 tsp of the incalculable weight of generations of religious indoctrination collapsing on itself, boiling down to a putrid tincture of judgement, bitterness, and denial that spits like venom from the serpentine lips of a functionally illiterate electorate that holds the future of humanity in its misinformed hands
• 1 40-pack of Lady Speed Stick, Jasmine Nights Scent

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to Jesus fucking CHRIST already!!!!!! I mean FUUUUCK! Get it together, man!!
2. In a separate Laura Dern’s glove compartment at 3:00 a.m., place finely chopped mushrooms in a houndstooth pattern. Don’t forget to seal the glove compartment and then repeatedly honk the horn while yelling, “Enjoy the fucking mushrooms, Laura Dern!!! You fuck!!!
3. Set aside fart meringue for 15 minutes to dehisce.
4. After the yeast mixture has bloomed, take a second to remember that one Fiona Apple album title that was 9,000 words. What in the fuck was that all about??
5. Once the aluminum pellets have heated to room temperature, remove them from the I left off here days ago and don’t remember what I was going to say, so Teddy Ruxpin’s ass?
6. After all this shit is done doing what the fuck it’s gonna do, stop and ask yourself why you are still reading this recipe? I mean, I have to type this stuff or it’ll fester in my brain and burn holes in my psyche, but you don’t have to be doing any of this. Go outside and pet a flower or whatever outdoorsy types do.
7. Set aside entire mixture to cool. As it settles into a congealed brick, relax into a deep sense of accomplishment. You goddamned did it.
8. Locate the little man in boat and scold him for hiding all the time. What is his deal???

Sprinkle with revenge emails to taste. Serves a fucking fuckton of people. Do not attempt to make.