It’s a full moon, so you know what that means: the moon has probably been the one taking your lunch at work.  Also, horoscopes! *

Aquarius: You will more than likely not die this month, Aquarius. Notice how I said “likely”. The stars only know so much, but you can count on them to guide you, nonetheless. Why? Science. Eons of wizards, holy men, witches, astrologers, weather people, and bookies have all combined their accumulated celestial observations into a pattern of patterns. That’s why you will probably survive the month, but don’t push it. The planets and stars do what they want.

Pisces: Why do people go over Niagara Falls in a barrel? Is it for publicity? Riches? To attract mates? Is there a word for people who are sexually attracted to Niagara-Falls-Barrelists (the survivors at least, we have necrophiliac for the others)? Why do I ask? It’s because you do things for a reason. You may not know what the reasons are this month, but you should be prepared with an answer when asked “why did you do that?” and “what were you thinking?”  Cops, judges, the media, etc. are always up in your business this month and they want answers. Give them a good one.

Aries: Do you have a least favorite decade? We all do, but why? Is it the music? The fashion? The guards only letting you out of your cell for one hour of exercise? Whatever it was that made that ten-year stretch so unpleasant for you will be a theme this month. There is no way to get around it. Let’s hope it’s bell-bottoms or Warrant Records and not the screws at Shawshank. You’ll get out of the month regardless, but one involves tunneling through sewage.

Taurus: It’s the Year of the Ox in the Chinese Zodiac, which corresponds with The Year of the Newt in the Western tradition, and for Tauri worldwide that means riches beyond your wildest dreams! Maybe. We astrologers are not sure of the year-based system in the west, and what it means when the East meets the West astrology-wise. Besides, “riches” has a multitude of definitions. Lots of cat hair in your car maybe. Who knows? You should be ready for riches just in case. 

Gemini: You need more pets Gemini and this month you will get them. Ha! You thought you got to choose? Nope. They pick you. This month stray critters will be very attracted to you and in the mood to form bonding social relationships, so get ready. If you are lucky it’ll be puppies and kittens, if you not, you may need to get ready for bats and opossums. Don’t worry, they will mostly keep to themselves, unless they have rabies. They all kinds of teeth and claws when they have rabies. In the meantime hold them off with a stick and wait for the next full moon, they should be dead by then and your curse will have broken by then.

Cancer: We as a planet are making Mars mad. Orbiters, landers, rovers, and soon a helicopter. Mars just wants to be left alone. It wants none of what the Earth is selling. Why should you care? Well, you live on Earth and Mars is blaming you this month. Things will be very aggressive towards you this month due to that. Why does Mars go after Cancers? It can’t be out to get all the star signs this month! It has stuff to do. 

Leo:  You will be unusually susceptible to nosebleeds this month Leo. Jupiter and its moons (you know it has 79 moons, right?) are in an odd alignment with your nasal passages and that means more bleeds. Keeping track of a planet and its many moons is way too much for you to keep track of on your own and that’s why you need us astrologers. So, keep the Kleenex brand facial tissues handy and leave the orbits to us professionals. Just be glad it’s nosebleeds, there is a good chance Saturn, and its 82 moons, will be aiming at your sex organs next month.

Virgo: Did you know the only gave at the Grammy for Best Disco Recording once? By the time they got around to deciding to award one, everyone else decided that disco was on the way out. That is a lesson you must learn this month Virgo; you need to strike while the iron is hot. (I think that is a blacksmithing reference, which like disco, has no modern equivalent that will make any sense to us). Don’t spend this whole month trying to decide to do something just do it. Don’t overthink it, just overdo it.

Libra: They still don’t know who killed Notorious B.I.G. I’m not accusing you; I just want to point out that the wheels of justice are slow. Not for you this month, though. The universe will be dispensing instant justice to all who wrong you this month. It will also be quick to give you a karmic slap-upside-the-head if you are the offending party. So, be sure you are on the right side of the arguments this month and enjoy the schadenfreude as you see all who oppose you get their comeuppance.  

Scorpio: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery they say (who are they?). This month is the month to launch your Eddy Grant tribute act, Freddie Grant. I’m sure he will be very impressed and non-litigious. Most months you would for sure be getting sued, but the stars have gotten into his (and your) eyes this month and he will let your unauthorized version of “Romancing the Stone” go unpunished. You might even get away with “Killer on the Rampage” but steer clear of “Rock You Good”, the stars, and Eddy, can only put up with so much of your un-funky shenanigans.

Sagittarius: This month you need to triple-check your work. It’s not that you are going to make more mistakes than normal, you are just not going to see them as well as you normally would. The moon has clouded things up for you. Not great timing for you with tax time coming up and all, but that’s why you pay for an accountant, right? You don’t pay for an accountant? Let me give you this recipe I have for prison wine. It’s got a bit of funny twang to it, but after the first cup, it gets smoother. 

Capricorn: No matter what Capricorn, this month is the month to submit. Don’t fight it. Resistance is futile. You will be unable to influence the outcomes of anything this month so just let is all slide. You might as well just nap this month while it all goes to pot. Take a month long sabbatical, because being aware of it all as it goes horribly wrong will just make you crabby as well as a loser. Complete and utter failure on all levels only one month out of the year is not that bad, you have eleven other months in which to rule them all. 

*Brought to you by a generous grant from the Lizard Peoples’ Liberation Front.