When you’re driving a van up the Eastern Seaboard, regardless of what cargo you are carrying – a band and their gear, antiques and paintings, or the heart of a dying star, there are two Road Rules ™ that you need to follow.
- Stay Awake.
- Don’t get cornholed by the Gimp.
I can’t help you with #2, but by Jimminy, this Bitchin’ Product Alert will help you stay… alert! Do you like not falling asleep? Do you relish the thought of quaffing antifreeze, but without all the painful dying business? Then I have the perfect libation for you. No better way to ring in a New Year than with an Old Drink, namely SURGE. Yes, Surge, that sugary concoction brought to you in 1997 by the Coca-Cola Company, was meant to be a competitor to Pepsi’s Mountain Dew. Sadly, TSEP did not get to experience this premium extreme sports drink in its heyday, since we had stopped consuming anything liquid in 1995, when we had all transformed into cars that could turn into robots.
I was recently wending my way up from Florida, and being weary, stopped by the brow of a hill to replenish myself with vast quantities of artificial snacks and drink. I saw the can of SURGE there in the fridge, next to the Four Loko and chilled MD 20/20, and figured “what could go wrong?”. As I passed an infinite number of billboards advertising peanuts, boiled peanuts, cajun peanuts, south-of-the-border peanuts, Jesus, and a sombrero-themed fun park, I ingested this liquid jewel. The results were positive: I stayed awake AND avoided the Gimp.
Tasting notes
SURGE is meant to be consumed at near-liquid-nitrogen temperature, thus insuring that its actual flavor will not be detectable. However, the curious may find that at above zero, the following flavors and notes can be detected:
- Propylene Glycol
- High Fructose Corn Gizzards
- Chanel #420
- A fig-tainted waft of ester of wood rosin
- Citrus cloud emulsion
Complex, to be sure. All in all, it tastes exactly what you’d imagine Tarzan’s loincloth wringings would, if he were an incontinent android.
All for now – and remember, kids, when you’re on the road, be sure to visit that funky little gas station. You never know what culinary nightmare you might be able to find!