In the Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo

In the Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Whorebaby Surprise

Posted by Sarlo on

I dance for thee, fellow traveler. Also, right after that video, I fell on that knife and stabbed my face off.

It’s that time of the year again — Garfielduary, that special time of year when all thoughts turn to gigantic, overrated orange cats from 90 years ago. Why not celebrate this Garfielduary season with an old fashioned Garfielduary recipe straight out of the Garfielduary playbook, namely a delicious batch of Whorebaby Surprise. The traditional dish was named in a simpler time when babies who sold their soul for money were the subject of ridicule. Nowadays, it’s impolite to use the word “whore,” and babies are not only openly encouraged to sell their souls for money, but are worshipped as “influencers” in our society. Whorebaby Surprise is known for its minty, burning plasticy aroma when baking, and its sharp, bloody, pond-mud-ish flavor. It may not sound very appetizing, but Whorebaby Surprise is not. Like Duran Duran Fruit, Whorebaby Surprise is a dish only for the refined gourmand’s pallet. Not yours, you unsophisticated fuck. Somebody else’s pallet. You fuck.

YOU WILL NEED

  • A braille script from Netfilx’s Roma
  • 2 tsp Florence from The Jeffersons
  • 10 cabbages, permanently cabbaged
  • 2 cups Bruce Hornsby and The Range DNA (if you can’t find Bruce Hornsby and The Range DNA, how hard are you looking??)
  • 5 cups flour
  • 5 cups anti-flour
  • A big blue knife with tiny pictures of fish on the blade
  • 1/4 ton alfalfa yogurt

INSTRUCTIONS

  1. Preheat oven to WOW!!… Wow. Just…. wow.
  2. Puree spaniel meat
  3. In a separate bowl, dice braille script until it’s a totally different script, like maybe the script from Arrival. Remember Arrival? Oof. What a snooze fest. Oh, time is circular? So is my asshole.
  4. Set aside personal emotional indifference to further chill
  5. Unpack tentacles from oblong box and allow 30 minutes to figure out why you have a box of tentacles
  6. Roll eyes back into own head until you can see your medulla oblongata. Say to it, “Hi Dooley!”
  7. Be sure not to read this recipe at all. AT ALL.
  8. When the oven dings, there may be a good reason for that. Find out why.

Sprinkle with Fox News clips that aged poorly to taste. Serves 900,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Do not attempt to make.