In the Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo

In the Kitchen with Aaron Sarlo: Antler Oatmeal

Posted by Sarlo on
I dance for thee, fellow traveler. Also, right after that video, I fell on that knife and stabbed my face off.

It’s that time of year again: morning! It’s the perfect time to enjoy the Canadian breakfast treat, antler oatmeal. This classic breakfast side dish was conceived at a time when early Canadians were trapped inside a snowy cabin for many weeks, and had to resort to eating their reindeer’s antlers for sustenance. (Legend has it that they didn’t eat the reindeer themselves because they enjoyed fucking them too much, but this is conjecture at best.) No matter how you prepare it, whether it’s in your kitchen on a snowy morn or while running down the street on fire and screaming, antler oatmeal is sure to please.*

YOU WILL NEED:

  • 1/2 cup Magna Carta paste (either regular or zesty)
  • 2 lbs albino snake meat
  • 3 tbsp model airplane propeller
  • 1 jar Jif peanut butter (if Jif is unavailable, you can substitute with Gif peanut butter, but you will notice the subtle taste of people telling you how to pronounce shit)
  • 47 big rails of tungsten
  • 2 cups Wayne’s World 2 on laser disc 

INSTRUCTIONS: 

  1. Preheat oven to room temperature
  2. In a separate bowl, unsnap pelican beaks. Be sure to discard any still-attached pelicans.
  3. When the morning sun casts a glimmering light on the promise of a new day, whisk a bowl of kittens until no longer purring. You don’t want to over-whisk, as this can lead to a bowl full of very confused kittens.
  4. Gently knead snake meat until hard as a rock, and then immediately stop kneading snake meat because that wasn’t what you were trying to do.
  5. When the Adirondacks have successfully mountained, gently spoon into a 9000 oz Pyrex bowl. (If the kids ask to lick the spoon, shriek out in sudden terror because where did these kids come from??)
  6. During the Bronze Age, lightly fold kittens.
  7. When the oven has dinged, it’s time to do a little dance for the planet Saturn. (This is where those 47 rails of tungsten come in handy!)
  8. Set aside to cool for 2 months and 8 days. Be weary of hungry neighbors smelling this cooling on your windowsill. Sometimes hungry neighbors are also murderers.

Serves 12 angry gnus. (16 angry wildebeests.) Do not attempt to make.

*(Your gastroenterologist. Because of all the money you’ll be giving them. To remove antlers from your stomach and small intestines.)